What is missing in most of our conversations?
Connection.
The best communications start with connection first. We don’t do this. We focus on the words and our thoughts. And if someone is upset or hurt we really miss this important opportunity. We try to clarify our position, clarify our intention, without first recognizing the emotional expression or desire of the other person. Here’s a great example, if you tripped over my foot, fell on the floor, and were upset with me, and I immediately shouted back, “It wasn’t my fault! You didn’t look where you were walking.” How would you feel?
Mad. Hurt. Uncared for. That is what most of us do.. If my response is to clarify what happened, you might receive it, you might take it, but I would miss out on a really important part.
I haven't tried to connect with you in your hurt.
We jump into clarification, because we don't want the person to be angry with us and we want to lessen our discomfort.
Hear that again, we are uncomfortable with the other being upset with us, so instead of focusing on them and saying, “Oh my goodness, you fell, are you okay? How can I help you?” we try to lessen OUR discomfort. Look back to what I said. I didn’t take any blame, I simply cared about you first. And doesn’t that feel better?
Why are you mad in the first place? Because you think I don’t care. And maybe you are also physically hurt. If I ignore your hurt and jump into clarification, it ignores and possibly deepens your hurt. You could even say, “I am so sorry. Are you okay?”
You might say, “Yeah, but why did you trip me?” And then you can say, “I am so glad you are okay. I would never want to hurt you. I didn’t try to trip you but maybe my foot was further out than you thought. Do you need anything? Is there any way I can help you?” I
f you heard that, wouldn't you actually feel much more connected? And wouldn’t you also receive the information differently? I encourage you to always, and I do mean always, start with connecting. Start by making the bridge. That helps you move into an energy that is closer and more balanced. Once you are connected, the other person will be much more open to hearing your clarification. We really don't do that in our conversations. And that's part of the reason we get caught in these places where we don't feel cared for. We don't feel close. We don't feel the other person takes responsibility. And our heart is hurt. So remember, yes, of course we want to clarify. However, it’s important to make that attempt to connect first.
Your hearts are more important than what transpired.
And your relationship is more important than the event.
