And there's a lot of power in a whirlwind! It's been one of those types of week's for me. Was yours one of those as well? When there are tons of things on your plate and everything is moving, shaping, and transforming fast? It can feel overwhelming or pretty darn scary. And in these moments I try to remember....
you can't hold on to the wind.
The key is to harness its power OR get out of the way! Which do you do?
This past year has been a "let's crack you open" kind of year. So much of what I held to I have found is not mine to hold. And in realizing that love is really about what is within me and what I allow myself to share, give, and offer, it has become a little less hard to remember to open my grasp and my heart.
It's interesting, because as soon as you do, you actually have more opportunities as you are not fixated on that one you cling to. And in this, you find faith and hope, and love. There can be so much more.
I think I have always been pretty good at giving. And I believe that I have always been pretty grateful for what I do receive. I think that comes from being on my own young. BUT there's been a restless and hidden quiet part of me that is anxious. As long as I can remember, I have always been a little bit fearful. Okay, okay, pretty fearful of being left. It happened with my Mom, my Dad, and my husband, and what was family. I made it my role to help people stay. But I see now, that that can be a desperate grasp. I thought it was of love and devotion, and it was partially, but for me, that tight grip was also out of a fear of not being loved. So I held on tight to steady me.
My late husband's nickname in baseball was Steady Teddy. He was in pitching, but not not so much in life.
The truth is, that ending/leaving/passing happens to all of us at some point. Well, it actually happens a lot. I think I have had a little bit harder of a time with it because my childhood wasn't stable or predictable. Or maybe its because I lost folks so young. Or probably it's both, but to feel secure with others and in life, I made sure I was consistent. I didn't know how to feel steady. And I only felt I was when I was holding on to another. I was trying to hold on to wind. And when they would pass through my fingers, I ached. I do love that deep devotion about me, and I also see the desperation hidden under the surface as well.
If you love me then I am okay.
Do you ever feel this way?
I see now that I can't hold on to anything or anyone other than me. And I don't think I really want to any more. I want others to have their freedom. And I want those who want to play, to play.
But as I step into broader more open places like teaching and speaking and hopefully soon, into a relationship again, I still have those moments when it feels a little scary to be doing this, to be doing me. I find it fascinating that a lot of my life has been striving on my own and even so my pace hasn't felt as solid as I would think it would with 59 years behind me. I am still sometimes little Heather at 3.
Do you feel steady? Or do you feel that the wind around you moves and that it shifts you? Do you feel that there is no real permanence other than the love you cultivate in your heart? That sound both fragile and powerful. Maybe that is my lesson, and my journey? That love is my anchor. Love is my rock. Love is my foundation and since that is a living, breathing, ever expanding energy, that there really is nothing to hold to or even to be, but it is all here for us to experience.
And maybe that feeling that "What is this moment" is a deeper awareness that everything really is up to me. Even this truth. Even if I decide right now to feel solid and secure. And this makes me chuckle, because right now, I want to ask you, if you understand.
So instead I will choose, that in this moment, this is the truth of me.
What is your truth dear one? Is there anything you need to as we walk these paths and release these winds alongside one another?